Because I'm a sucker for...

.....all things related to my zodiac. I feel like it always describes me perfectly. Here a few that I love and accurately represent who I am. :)

Post Secret #23

via Post Secret

I don't know what I'm doing. I just know that I'm doing something and getting somewhere, and I'm perfectly okay with that :)

GPOYW

Because last night was a rough one and I allowed myself to eat lunch at one of my favorite fast food chains. Here goes a GPOW! I'm feeling semi better today, but I know what I need to do once I get home tonight. I just wish I could do more work on my commute, but oh well, time management its time I put you back into my life.

Words of Wisdom #20

"Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these "setbacks" as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up every day, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek."

 

- Jackson Kiddard

All nighter

I told myself that I would not freak out about school this semester, yet here I find myself again! Again, about to have meltdown no. 2 of the school year!!!! So this is what I'm going to do: grab some coffee and pull an all nighter. Now is this all nighter even necessary? No. But will it make me feel better? Yes! I hope to get all of my work done tonight so that I can at least be a bit more relaxed on Friday evening. Some habits are definitely hard to break. And I may or may not have shed a tear or two out of frustration and desperation. I feel that I may have gotten in over my head with working full time and going to school part time with observations. I keep telling myself that I can do this, yet I find myself not believing those words I'm trying to convince myself with....

HELP! :(

10 things I'm proud of

Lately I've had accomplishments stuck on repeat in my head. I've been thinking about it constantly and I can't seem to let it go. Being proud of myself has been something I've struggled with for years, but I'm finally coming to terms that its okay to be proud of my accomplishments. This whole being humble thing is okay, but it doesn't make me feel good or validate who I am or what I've done. So here goes 10 things that I'm proud of

1. Graduating from a prestigious US university. Yes I did it! I made it against all odds that are stacked against me for being a female, minority student. I'm proud to bleed that lovely Hoya Blue & Grey!
2. Being accepted into USC. It was my first love school freshman year of high school and now I'm a graduate student working on my Masters.
3. Living abroad in Spain for a year, studying, and working. 
4. Backpacking throughout Europe on my own and coming back in one piece.
5. Running the LA Marathon as a junior in high school. It was grueling mentally and physically and I did it!!!
6. Being a semi-car owner. Almost done paying it off! 
7. Owning close to 200 books in my personal library.
8. Proud owner of virgin hair! I've never dyed it in my life! Or put it through any sort of chemical process.
9. I own over 40 cardigans/sweaters!
10. Taking on the challenge to conquer Nike Hill. One day I will run to the top and back down without stopping.

Post Secret #22

via Post Secret

New frames!

I completely forgot to post a new picture of my snazzy new frames!! I had my old pair for almost 5 years now and I finally decided to purchase a new pair!!! I still love my old frames, they are encrusted with Swarovski crystals on the side, which was the reason why I splurged on them a few years.

I'm glad I choose the frames my BFF had selected. I finally broke out of my usual routine of things. I love my new frames!!! Also, I only spent $44 on the frames and lenses!! So my total cost was exactly $99!!! I believe I got a steal on my new eye wear!

We're going on a dress hunt...

...more of a dress hunt for Vegas. It's tough out there, but I've fallen in love with this dress. It doesn't scream Vegas, but it does scream sultry, sexy vixen. That falls under Vegas right?! I might still get and take it with me, because you never know when you'll have a need for a dress like this. I love me a great wiggle dress, especially those made by Stop Staring. I own an emerald green satin wiggle dress and its to die for!

Yes, I think its imperative that I buy this dress stat!!

Words of Wisdom #19

"In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity."

- Albert Einstein

meltdowns.

Last Sunday I had a bad case of grad school meltdown and I couldn't focus. I literally overwhelmed myself into the point of crying in my bed. I could not snap out of it. Everything seemed to be going wrong. Internet was slow. Fedex Kinko's did recognize my PDF file, thankfully a friend works there was able to fix that problem. Starbucks did not help my mood (patrons hogging tables and chairs when they weren't even using them!) It felt like the world was conspiring against me. Not even poor Dex' could make me feel better. I must have spent at least a good 2 hours in bed under the covers crying and feeling bad for myself. In my 13+ years of going to school this has almost become a part of my routine. It always happens at some point or another, or at several points. I wonder when my next one will be!?

The bright side to my meltdown is that I actually read ahead in one of my classes. So I'm already working on week 2 assignments and reading; and I haven't even gone to my week 1 class!

Silver lining in my cloud: even in the midst of a meltdown there are sunny skies and happy times ahead. Now if I can manage to remind myself that every time I have one.

Currently coveting

Yes, around lovely round of currently coveting. I have two upcoming trips to Vegas for friends birthday celebrations in May and June, which of course means I get to wear more dresses and swim suits! After a trip to Target I realized that maybe finding a swimsuit will be harder than I expected. The last few years that I've bought swimsuits I've gone to J.Crew. I gave Target a try and it disappointed. Maybe I'll find something elsewhere?! I hope so, but in case I don't I plan on getting one of the following.

Hopefully I can find a more reasonably priced swimsuit elsewhere, but its hard when I know I can go to J.Crew and almost always get what I'm looking for. Anyone else looking forward to the summer and swimsuit shopping?

OOTD 1.16

Feeling extra preppy today.
Sweater: J.Crew Cardigan
Tee: Espirit
Skirt: Forever 21
Tights: Nordstorm
Shoes: Marais cap toe flats
Jewelry: Earrings via Anthropologie, Watch Anne Klein, Bracelet gifted via mother.

Music Monday #19

One of my favorite songs and artists. :)
Happy Monday everyone! :)

Lucky you who get today off. I'm hoping my boss let's us go early!

Sigh

I'm having one of those moments where I can't focus on my reading assignments for class, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and I haven't even attended my first day of classes. I'm upset over nothing in particular. Everything seems to irritate me. The wireless is slow. People are not replying to my text messages, not like they have to, and this is really just pathetic on my part. So why am I feeling this way? I just need a hug. I hate this feeling of being on an emotional roller coaster. Bah....maybe I should just call it a day and go and read a book. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Will I feel better tomorrow?! I hope so. This moment of mine needs to pass, because I don't understand why I even feel this way to begin with. 

Post Secret #21

via Post Secret

Sometimes I get upset and depressed because I feel like I'm never going to find what I'm looking for, but I will. I just need to give it time. I'll know when I've found it because my gut instinct will tell me. SO far it hasn't let me down and I know it won't. Thank you gut instinct for telling me to go to Spain for a year, helping me move out East for school, falling in love with an amazing guy, and for telling me that I'm going to be alright.

Before & After #1

I bought this vintage 80s dress last November and I just got around to making it more 'me.'

Before:

Long beyond belief!

 

And shoulder pads...ewww no!

After:

Perfect length for a dress!

Being shoulder pad-free makes me a happy camper!

 Now I can't wait to wear it out! :)

10 things I won't admit (but I am now) #2

1. I love to play video games, particularly the ones that involve playing "instruments" and singing. I'm completely uncoordinated in playing video games, but they are so much fun. And I can't carry a tune to save my life! Sadly again my Supergirl tendencies have kept me from enjoying this.

2. Kosher pickles are disgusting. I may eat them when I go to Canter's or to a Jewish deli but they are not good at all. Disgusting! I prefer regular dill pickles.

3. Football. Yes, I may or may not secretly enjoy watching football. I don't know anything going on, other than when a touchdown is made or when its 1st down or when its a safety. hehe.

4. I have a fear of spiders.

5. I wish I knew how to apply eyeliner. And how to do my makeup in general. I usually stick to my routine of mascara and Burt's Bees shimmer lip balm, but it would be nice to know how to apply the stuff.

6. I'm scared of not finding a teaching job once I finish school.

7. I'm terrified of being alone for the rest of my life.

8. When I was a student at HS #1, I was given the nickname 'Webster' because I was a brainiac/know-it-all in my chemistry class and because I my vocabulary was ridiculous, thank you SAT prep. At first I hated the nickname imposed on me by the upperclassmen, I was a sophomore at the time. However, over time I loved the fact that I was referred to as 'Webster'.

9. The first time I had coffee I hated the taste of it. Thank goodness I got over that real quick!

10. I only like eggplant when its in eggplant parm; otherwise, eww bleck! :D Eggplant not for me.

Sugergirl Tendencies

After reading the book Supergirls Speak Out by Liz Funk I've definitely rethought my outlook on my life and others. In a way the book sparked a revolution within in. Probably something that was coming and it finally happened to get here. I like to think its my not quarter life crisis, but more of my stage of becoming in life. I've lived a very sheltered life where I was set out to make everyone else happy but myself. A lot of what I've done in life was to please my mother, make her happy, gain her validation, but as I've realized in the past few weeks: its never going to happen. My mother is a very cold, frigid person. She never says thank you, expects everything, and holds all her children to different standards. I love her, don't get me wrong, but if and when I ever do become a mother that's not the type of mother I want to be. I've struggled with this whole mommy issue thing since I was a young child. But I digress here.

You ask, what is a Supergirl?

Easy enough to spot one: she's that girl doing a million things a minute, always looks polished and put together; happy, go get it type; she manages to bake from scratch, juggle multiple tasks; gorgeous and thin; that all around girl that everyone wants to be.

Sadly, its not being realistic with ourselves.

Once upon a time I was a Supergirl. I now consider myself a recovering Supergirl. Once upon a time, I juggled two part time jobs, took 18 credit hours in 3 different languages!!!, volunteered in the morning at the local middle school, tutored, involved in breast cancer outreach, partied like there was no tomorrow, and managed to pull it all off. Now that I look back on that period of my life I don't know WHAT THE HELL I WAS THINKING!!! Really, I hated getting up at 6am to go volunteer at the middle school. I HATED IT! I hated the commute even more! I loved to tutor, but did I really have to give up my afternoons, NO! And 18 credit hours?! I was a walking time bomb waiting to explode with work, which I often did on the weekends. As for the partying? Well I partied to forget. I partied to escape. I partied because I didn't know how to cope. Now breast cancer outreach I did because a close friend of mine is a survivor. I had a blast doing it.

Now back in high school I was a Supergirl. Taking all those lovely AP classes, captain of the track team, XC runner, LA Marathon runner, private Spanish tutor, UB Scholar, Girl Scout by night, and I was addicted to working out. All of this is typical, clinical case of Supergirl Complex.

Everyone always wondered: how the hell does she do it all?! This is another trait to the Supergirl Complex: making it seem effortless when really you are sleep deprived, angry, exhausted, don't care about half the things you are doing, and just want to be left own to your own devices.

I did it all the expense of myself. I didn't allow myself to be angry, sad, or unmotivated. I didn't validate my own feelings or emotions. I hid behind it all. And I've taken a vow to not do this anymore.
I sacrificed my sanity, my mental and emotional well-being, and I almost lost the person I hold dearest to me. 

Now I try to take my days one at time. Say thank you more often. I let people know that I appreciate them. I've acknowledged my past troubles and how to rectify them. The only big issue I need to work on is practicing effective communicating when my feelings get hurt or I'm upset. I'm getting there. One day soon, I hope, I'll be able to speak up when someone does something that hurts my feelings.

My Supergirl tendencies practically ruined my life in high school and college. My ambition, or so I thought it was ambition led me down a destructive path. At one point in high school I was even addicted to exercising/running; I needed to run to prove to others that I could 'truly do it all' and be one of the guys. Yes, I was determined to prove that I could be like one of the guys, workout like them, being academically better than them, and even handle more on my plate all while looking like a good girl.

I try not to dwell on all the things I missed out on in the years past, but I rather look at the bright side: I can still change things in my life. I can and will enjoy my life more. I still take control in my life and do what makes me happy. Its hard, it really is, but just taking it little by little will help me.

So this is the new chapter in my life where I get to do what I like, enjoy, and love. I am on my pursuit of happiness.

Words of Wisdom #18

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."

 

- Seneca,

Currently coveting

Soooo it's been ages since I did a currently coveting post, but I couldn't help myself when I saw the latest Jack Rogers wedges!!! I would die to own either pair or even both, but realistically here my budget only says one pair. I have an upcoming birthday weekend in Vegas, hopefully I can get lucky with the tables and get enough dinero for both. A girl can dream, can't she? If not, it'll be a hard choice to pick one pair. Because nothing screams summer more than a pair of wedges! In coral and brown por favor! Also, I love that by living in LA I can wear shoes like these year round :)

Clare Wedge

Pauline Stitch

Elated

I never could have imagined being so giddy and excited for two back to back trips to Vegas later this year. First trip, will also break my Vegas cherry, to celebrate my BFF's 25th birthday. I have some amazing ideas for a collective friend gift we are getting him. Uber excited about that! Then the following month I'm off to Vegas for my birthday bash and will be combined with another close friend's birthday bash! So it'll be two great weekends with lots of great people, food, and drinks! Now the hard part: no more coffee out, no more shopping, and really just sticking to my budget. Good things grad school is starting up again. I won't have time for much :) I just gotta buy my espresso and I'll be good. And no more eating out for lunch.

overall I am feeling fantastic, enthusiastic, and happy for my friends and myself. I am happy for everyone that is close to me. I'm happy that they are happy and doing well. This is what love is all about people: being happy for those that are dear and close to you.

I got nothing but love and happiness flowing through my body and thoughts right now :)

P.S. Did I mention that I'm even just as excited to get to go shopping for my first night club dress? And my first ever actual LBD? I mean I have a few LBD, but they are more under 'cocktail hour' dresses, than "DAMN! Look at that hottie!!!" dresses. Yes, as much as I hate attention from the opposite sex, I do still like to look good in what I wear. :)

Music Monday #18

This song takes me back to middle school. Geez. I just aged myself on my blog. Oh well. :) C'est la vie!

¡Feliz lunes!

Post Secret #20

via postsecret.com

I must confess, and this is very hard thing to do, that I was raped my sophomore year of college. This week's Post Secret really struck a nerve inside of me. I shut down afterwards, even becoming more of a hermit/recluse than I already was in college. Then I went abroad and I will still wary of going out and meeting new people. Thankfully I met an amazing gal by the name of Cristina who is Italian and helped me started meeting new people. Honestly, it wasn't until more students from my program arrived in February that I felt semi-comfortable going out. Even then I was still a bit skeptical. My senior year was a self-destructive year. I was dealing with a lot and not telling anyone. I kept bottling everything in. I would have my breakdowns every few weeks like it was a routine. At least now I have my writing, and my books to help me cope a bit more. I also know that I have an amazing group of friends that will listen and help me out.

Its a hard wave of emotions that you ride afterwards. You don't know what's going on inside of you, well at least I didn't have a clue as to have to handle things. For a very long time I felt like it was all my fault, like I made myself vulnerable by drinking and going out. I often wonder what if I had just stayed in and read a book or done some assignments? But my BFF helped me realize that it wasn't my fault. Its still a hard thing to accept but I can't let this experience define who I am. Sure it happened to me and its made me a bit more paranoid about being out by myself at night, but I think its just being more cautious than ever before. We cannot give anyone in our society the right or enable them to think that rape or sexual assault is okay. Our society teaches us that rape is okay, rather than teaching us that rape IS NOT OKAY!

My response to this secret: You are not fucked up, but you need to realize what you do and what you don't may be a response to reacting to this experience. Rape can change you, but don't let it consume your life or define you. Use it to grow and reach out to help others out who may be in the situation. I'm proud to be on the case of V-day in my city. I hope that out of our monologues people will feel empowered and confident to take the next step forward in order to change the situation in their life that may be causing them distress.

Things we forget

I've been following for quite some time the blog Things We Forget. Today's post really struck a nerve with me. I often fall into this nasty trap of where there might be an obstacle and I'll either freak out and practically have a panic attack over it, or I won't even bother with it. Again, has to do with my Supergirl tendencies, but I will over come it. Take for example me being in grad school. So I didn't have to go to USC to get my Masters in Teaching and my secondary English credential, but it has always been my dream to attend USC. Yes, it is ridiculously expensive. I almost didn't apply because I couldn't fathom being in debt further and the cost of tuition. I took the risk and applied. Surprised I gained admission I began my coursework last spring. Now it'll probably take me about another year to finish a program that can be easily finished in a year and half. I'm taking my time to work and save money, pay for my program out of pocket, and pay down some of my debt. Obstacle yes! But will it destroy me completely? No it won't. Will it take me longer? Yes, but I'm okay with that. In the end this will hopefully allow me to mature a bit more and be a better teacher and mentor to my future students. So remember, obstacles are always either imaginary or temporary.

Have a great weekend!

10 things I won't admit (but I am now) #1

1. I secretly enjoyed/loved listening to all the boy band music of the 90s! :) Despite how much I talked smack about them. Yes, I love Ricky Martin, but I also loved all the other boy bands. Okay...so I might still listen to them now too...hehehe and I might or might not know most of the lyrics to the songs too.

2. I kiss Dexter, my teddy bear, good night and pretend that I'm kissing the love of my life goodnight. Mushy I know. It helps me sleep. In all fairness, Dex was a gift from him and I keep him very close to me. Dex has gone all long trips away from home with me. So far he's been up and down New England, DC, NYC, SF, Santa Cruz, Fresno, and he's a resident of my bed. He's sort of become my keeper of sanity/peace/love.

3. I hate running. As much running as I did in high school, and I have this past year. I hate it. I only run because I enjoy the challenge it provides and how it makes me feel afterwards. Come on endorphin/adrenaline rush!

4. I enjoy the taste of beer. For the longest time I said I 'hated' beer because it was nasty and boys drank it. Well guess what!? I find myself not enjoying hard liquor anymore, but rather gravitate to beers. And maybe its not just for the boys. I just had arrogant bastard for the first time this past Monday and I loved it! :)

5. I like wearing 'nice' undies (read: lingerie). It makes my tooshie look good and I love how I feel. Not for anyone else, but for me.

6. I like how I look in my bikini. Yes, I have tried it on in my bedroom and perhaps closely examined myself in my full length mirror. For once in my life I like how I look and I'm happy with my body. Now I just need to tan a bit.

7. I love to eat toast with mayo and sugar. I know it sounds gross, but I swear its delicious!!!

8. I hate eating veggies. Well to be fair, not all veggies only the majority of them! :) I eat them because I know they are good for me, but I really don't enjoy them at all.

9. I love wearing heels! No matter what I say that I can't wear them because I'm too tall, blah blah, blah! It's all my own excuses I give myself. In reality, I love to wear them I just don't because I feel like I over power those around me.

10. Dance! Just dance! I LOVE TO DANCE! It has always been one of my favorite activities as a child! I was actually decent at it, but somewhere it got lost. I briefly rediscovered it in middle school in the form of ballet. I swear I have two left feet, but I love to move to a good beat/rhythm/song. I dance in my car, room, and anywhere I can where no one can see me. So don't be fooled when I say I don't like to, its just that I'm self-conscious that I can't really dance well. This has a bit to do with my Supergirl complex; I don't like to do that which I don't excel at. Silly yes, however, I can and WILL change this!


Whoa!  That feels good to get off my shoulders :)

Letter from a Dear Old Friend

I came across this email from an old friend who is very near and dear to me. Sadly I've lost contact with her and she's fallen upon some rough patches of herself. But the point of this is that she saw in me what I'm seeing in myself now. This was written back in December of 2006. Funny I was just thinking/contemplating/remembering a lot of these topics last night and early today in the morning. The letter is unedited and uncensored on my part. Completely honest letter from a great friend. I need to keep in mind a lot of what she mentions, another step towards healing and 'becoming.'

Enjoy life sweetie. We're young. Once our youth is gone, we can't have it back. Remember Mountain View's motto? Carpe Diem. Seize the day and enjoy the moment. Thinking too much on the past and future freak me out, too. Trust the girls more than the guys. Girls with save your butt, guys will only want to (Edna coughs, trying to ignore the f-word) it. Plan ahead with patience and diligence. I deserve a lot for what I've gone through, and so do you. Take any hurt you have from within by confessing it to someone you trust who is a girl/woman. You'll feel better (and more girlie). Don't let any boy or anything take away your dreams. You deserve every single bit of your dream to come true, especially when you put a lot of devotion into school during high school. You're a strong woman and I saw that in you in high school. Just don't run away from your problems. Remember you changed high school because of Agueda and what she had to say? Be who you are and letting someone change you only grants you insecurity. Have confidence and strive. Avoid the naughty boys for right now. Boys don't know what they want right now. They only want to practice at a young age. Find a man who respects you and himself. A woman doesn't let ANY man fuck with her. Remember the "Adam and Eve" story in the Holy Bible? Eve had the power to sin; therefore, she must have the power to control it. Take care. Don't flush any dream down the toilet. Patience with a smile is an important key to success. Always remember to smile, no matter what. Toodles.

This year I resolve to...

This year I resolve to....
- not have any resolutions, but rather have the following:
a. enjoy life more
b. go with the flow of things
c. not over think
d. write more
e. practice effective communication when my feelings get hurt, or I'm upset
f. be happy with myself, I've accomplished a lot in my short 24 years of life
g. read like a wolf and not care what others think
h. BE ME!

I'm awful at keeping resolutions, so why not improve on me on the little parts of life that tend to bring me down. I'm trying to keep my quarter life crisis at bay and just go with the fact that I'm growing/transitioning in my 'age of becoming'.

Once again, happy new year!

My thoughts according to Google +

Its interesting to note what I put on Facebook versus Tumblr versus Google+ versus here. I censor myself mostly on Facebook due to the fact that I have family on it and they don't have a clue about my blog. So I'm able to express myself more so on other platforms. I thought it would be interesting and good to share what I rant/ramble/say on Google+, because most of the time its my first/instant reaction. I used Google+ as my Twitter, sans followers, which is a good thing because then I'm posting for myself, my own sanity, and not for anyone else.

"Sometimes all you need is a little bit of 'rum' in your life. :)"


"It may be oh about 5 months away, but I'm looking for to a weekend with the girls in Vegas! :)"

"makes me happy that my students from last summer can ask me for help in other subjects besides english/literature/writing."

"its amazing how suddenly one of your close guy friends stops talking to you, defriends you on FB, doesn't return your calls/texts all because of some girl. well when that bitch dumps you dont come crying to me. 'cause i won't give a rats ass! lol. sigh."

"I'm okay with not being a teacher. I'm okay with not being in a serious relationship. I'm okay with the fact that I'm still years away from being married and starting a family of my own. I'm okay with the fact that I just entered my stage of becoming in my life. I'm okay with who I am now. I'm okay with dealing with my triggers in a less destructive way. I'm okay with dealing with the ugly stuff in my past. I'm okay with the fact that today is a new day in a new year. I will be okay."


"you can never have one too many polo dresses."


These are just the most recent in my profile. I love going back and re-reading what I posted. It helps me reflect on that instant/period of my life. I've gone through a whirlwind of emotions since last May. Spending my summer in DC/East Coast helped put a lot of things into perspective. At one point last year I was ready to runaway from it all and move across the country to escape everything. Sad to say that I've done this more than once all under the pretext of school and getting my education. However, now I'm not going to runaway. I'm staying where I'm at, because truth be told I love where I live and the people I'm around. I need to dig deep and be true to myself and to who I am. So this is the first step in writing down my experiences, ideas, thoughts, dreams, and fears. No more holding back. Just raw pure me. I hope I'm ready for it.

Words of Wisdom #17

“As knowledge increases, wonder deepens.” ― Charles Morgan

F*ck! I'm in my twenties!

I just recently discovered the site F*CK! I'm in my twenties. It is hilarious! I find myself relating to a lot of the things on the site. I love the humor and wit of the author. Must say it is on my blog roll now.

Here are some of my favorites:

Music Monday #17

I discovered Young the Giant via Spotify, which bytheway is addictingly good! Have a great first Monday of the new year!

Post Secret #19

Woohoo! First Post Secret of 2012!!! I can't believe its already 2012, whatever happened to being in 2009?!

via Post Secret

This will be my year! The year I gain a better sense of who I am, where I'm going, what I want, and to be financially stable/secure. This is the year that I stop running away from all that consumes me and bothers me. I will get over my Supergirl complex before it destroys who I am and alienates me from my friends and loved ones.

So with that said:

Happy New Year! :)