What does it mean to be Mexican?

I wrote this piece back on December 23, 2008. It's from another blog that I had. It seems to be getting a huge response now, so maybe, just maybe I'm heading somewhere with my writing? I think it may be time to share my pieces. I hope you enjoy this.

From about the 1870s until the mid 1900s, in Latin American there existed two words that referenced someone who was above their culture, specially one who associated themselves with Europe. These two terms were: "afrancesado" and "galicismo mental", both refer to someone who is from Latin America but somehow does not "mentally" fall into the category of thinking like a latin american. I feel that somehow I fall into both of these words. It wasn't until I left for college and started to take Spanish courses at Georgetown that I realized the true importance of my culture, maybe that's why you leave for college to realize your true self. Point being here that it really wasn't until I was in Spain and Europe that I grasped my own cultural identity and it took in deeply. Now as I find myself back in Mexico after almost four years of being away I find myself contemplating what it means to be "Mexican." Many of the Latin American writers left their home country to visit the US or Europe, or both, then returned to their respective country to continue writing. However it was on their voyages that each writer realized the importance of their culture and country. I feel often times that somehow I emulated one of their voyages in going to Spain to study. Now I find myself

My mother is from a small town in Jalisco, Mexico known as Ahualulco de Mercado. Actually I think now its becoming a small city because its quickly becoming populated and urbanized. The way I dress, speak and act does not reflect any customs held here in Mexico. If anything I think it reflects the bourgeios part of Mexican society. Personally I don't find wearing heavy makeup attractive, but of course we are all different and unique, some love it, I don't, which is perfectly fine. However, I find myself feeling like an outcast because yesterday as I went out for dinner with my family that I was clearly not from "here" and I was from another strata of Mexican society. Oddly enough, part of that strata that is almost nonexistent here: the middle class. Back to the point in hand: the way I dress is not "urban" by any means and more preppy and refined, probably has to do with the fact that I attend Georgetown. (Somehow this rubbed off on my ways of dressing.) I really do wish I could be accepted as a Mexican but I'm not and probably won't ever be. Also the biggest indicator that I'm not from these parts and that I don't speak colloquial dialect of Mexican Spanish is that I keep using phrases and idioms that are only pertinent to Spain. I try not to, but somehow its been ingrained into my head. So I say frequently, "vale," "movil," and "venga". Instead of "celular," "okay," and "andale."

Even as we went into Guadalajara today I still felt out of place. I still felt an outsider. My uncle took me today to the Cathedral, which is gorgeous! I loved being able to see the Cathedral for myself and analyze it with my eyes and hands, versus learning about it in my art history class. He also took me to El Teatro Degollado which was edified in about the mid 1800s. It is a gorgeous theatre. We then proceeded to find these really cool looking chairs by a government building. We ended the day with some window shopping at San Juan de Dios, which is this huge market where you can buy anything from food, vegetables, to shoes to artesanias to even animals. I hope to go back by the weeks end because I saw a few things I want to purchase to take back as gifts.

Maybe I won't ever be "Mexican" enough or just "Mexican" maybe I'm supposed to be "Mexican American". I really don't like to label myself but it seems as if in our world we have this urgency to label who we are in order to categorize and organize ourselves better. Let me attempt to label myself: woman, 21 year old, college student, Latina, Mexican, American, feminist, runner, bibliophile, daughter, sister, library worker.....and the list goes on. I'm sure I'm missing a label or two in here somewhere, but no matter how I try to look at myself I will always be labeled by one person one way and another way by myself.

So what then does it mean to be "Mexican"? I still don't understand what it would take for me to be called a true "Mexican." Or will I never be called "Mexican" because I was born in the US and don't know all the customs that make a Mexican a Mexican. Even though I feel as if I do everything that is Mexican. I mean I am Catholic, I don't mind being a domestic, or is it the fact that I have studied and read about Mexico from an outside perspective? Is this what makes me not a Mexican? I guess this will always be a paradigm of mine, will I ever be Mexican enough for all? I Know some will be like oh there goes that Mexican and to others I won't ever be Mexican enough. Maybe the question I should really be asking is do I think I'm Mexican enough? Because if that is the correct question I should be asking myself, then yes I believe I am Mexican enough.