Post Secret #20

via postsecret.com

I must confess, and this is very hard thing to do, that I was raped my sophomore year of college. This week's Post Secret really struck a nerve inside of me. I shut down afterwards, even becoming more of a hermit/recluse than I already was in college. Then I went abroad and I will still wary of going out and meeting new people. Thankfully I met an amazing gal by the name of Cristina who is Italian and helped me started meeting new people. Honestly, it wasn't until more students from my program arrived in February that I felt semi-comfortable going out. Even then I was still a bit skeptical. My senior year was a self-destructive year. I was dealing with a lot and not telling anyone. I kept bottling everything in. I would have my breakdowns every few weeks like it was a routine. At least now I have my writing, and my books to help me cope a bit more. I also know that I have an amazing group of friends that will listen and help me out.

Its a hard wave of emotions that you ride afterwards. You don't know what's going on inside of you, well at least I didn't have a clue as to have to handle things. For a very long time I felt like it was all my fault, like I made myself vulnerable by drinking and going out. I often wonder what if I had just stayed in and read a book or done some assignments? But my BFF helped me realize that it wasn't my fault. Its still a hard thing to accept but I can't let this experience define who I am. Sure it happened to me and its made me a bit more paranoid about being out by myself at night, but I think its just being more cautious than ever before. We cannot give anyone in our society the right or enable them to think that rape or sexual assault is okay. Our society teaches us that rape is okay, rather than teaching us that rape IS NOT OKAY!

My response to this secret: You are not fucked up, but you need to realize what you do and what you don't may be a response to reacting to this experience. Rape can change you, but don't let it consume your life or define you. Use it to grow and reach out to help others out who may be in the situation. I'm proud to be on the case of V-day in my city. I hope that out of our monologues people will feel empowered and confident to take the next step forward in order to change the situation in their life that may be causing them distress.