Sugergirl Tendencies

After reading the book Supergirls Speak Out by Liz Funk I've definitely rethought my outlook on my life and others. In a way the book sparked a revolution within in. Probably something that was coming and it finally happened to get here. I like to think its my not quarter life crisis, but more of my stage of becoming in life. I've lived a very sheltered life where I was set out to make everyone else happy but myself. A lot of what I've done in life was to please my mother, make her happy, gain her validation, but as I've realized in the past few weeks: its never going to happen. My mother is a very cold, frigid person. She never says thank you, expects everything, and holds all her children to different standards. I love her, don't get me wrong, but if and when I ever do become a mother that's not the type of mother I want to be. I've struggled with this whole mommy issue thing since I was a young child. But I digress here.

You ask, what is a Supergirl?

Easy enough to spot one: she's that girl doing a million things a minute, always looks polished and put together; happy, go get it type; she manages to bake from scratch, juggle multiple tasks; gorgeous and thin; that all around girl that everyone wants to be.

Sadly, its not being realistic with ourselves.

Once upon a time I was a Supergirl. I now consider myself a recovering Supergirl. Once upon a time, I juggled two part time jobs, took 18 credit hours in 3 different languages!!!, volunteered in the morning at the local middle school, tutored, involved in breast cancer outreach, partied like there was no tomorrow, and managed to pull it all off. Now that I look back on that period of my life I don't know WHAT THE HELL I WAS THINKING!!! Really, I hated getting up at 6am to go volunteer at the middle school. I HATED IT! I hated the commute even more! I loved to tutor, but did I really have to give up my afternoons, NO! And 18 credit hours?! I was a walking time bomb waiting to explode with work, which I often did on the weekends. As for the partying? Well I partied to forget. I partied to escape. I partied because I didn't know how to cope. Now breast cancer outreach I did because a close friend of mine is a survivor. I had a blast doing it.

Now back in high school I was a Supergirl. Taking all those lovely AP classes, captain of the track team, XC runner, LA Marathon runner, private Spanish tutor, UB Scholar, Girl Scout by night, and I was addicted to working out. All of this is typical, clinical case of Supergirl Complex.

Everyone always wondered: how the hell does she do it all?! This is another trait to the Supergirl Complex: making it seem effortless when really you are sleep deprived, angry, exhausted, don't care about half the things you are doing, and just want to be left own to your own devices.

I did it all the expense of myself. I didn't allow myself to be angry, sad, or unmotivated. I didn't validate my own feelings or emotions. I hid behind it all. And I've taken a vow to not do this anymore.
I sacrificed my sanity, my mental and emotional well-being, and I almost lost the person I hold dearest to me. 

Now I try to take my days one at time. Say thank you more often. I let people know that I appreciate them. I've acknowledged my past troubles and how to rectify them. The only big issue I need to work on is practicing effective communicating when my feelings get hurt or I'm upset. I'm getting there. One day soon, I hope, I'll be able to speak up when someone does something that hurts my feelings.

My Supergirl tendencies practically ruined my life in high school and college. My ambition, or so I thought it was ambition led me down a destructive path. At one point in high school I was even addicted to exercising/running; I needed to run to prove to others that I could 'truly do it all' and be one of the guys. Yes, I was determined to prove that I could be like one of the guys, workout like them, being academically better than them, and even handle more on my plate all while looking like a good girl.

I try not to dwell on all the things I missed out on in the years past, but I rather look at the bright side: I can still change things in my life. I can and will enjoy my life more. I still take control in my life and do what makes me happy. Its hard, it really is, but just taking it little by little will help me.

So this is the new chapter in my life where I get to do what I like, enjoy, and love. I am on my pursuit of happiness.